After reviewing last years birds, I had to really think long and hard on this. Who would I nominate for Turkey '08? So many choices.
I wanted to stay away from the obvious. Republicans are such easy targets and they're SO five minutes ago. Besides, they've already stuffed their heads up their butts so there's probably not room for bread and chestnuts, too.
Here, in no particular order, is the lisp edition of Joe's Turkey's '08:
"Millions of People Struggle With Addiction. Most Need Help to Stop."
Right out of the gate, is Amy Winehouse. I am done with her bullshit. Finished. I've had my own intervention and I've delivered my conditions. She hasn't met them and I can no longer give her any money.
The whole time that Blake Incarcerated has been locked away has been a grueling ordeal--for me! That whole baby mice/babyshambles youtube thing was just far too fucked for me.
"Here's The Story, Of A Man Named Groban."
Josh Groban's performance at the Emmy's was one of the biggest turkeys of the year. It was painful and I was just plain embarrassed for him. A medley of television theme songs? No. Just, no.
I'm not a huge fan at all (although this is a nice pic of him and I hear he's packing) I respect that he can sing. But that was just a horrid example of a bad choice.
Instead of canceling her crappy Rockwitchu Tour, Janet chose to call in sick. A lot.
You know, if she was my employee, she'd be put on a Performance Improvement Plan for attendance, but that's just me.
Janet was actually hospitalized by her undisclosed "mystery illness" in Montréal, which if I'm not mistaken, was the first of many "suddenly ill" moments.
Meanwhile, during the tour, news broke that LL Cool J had to leave due to "scheduling conflicts" and that Janet "left" her label. Now, we're hearing that she's "taking time off" to start a family.
Oh, and you don't really need me to comment on the horrendous outfit, right? Right.
"Who, Dear? Me, Dear? Gay, Dear? No, Dear."Yes, I'm saying it. Anderson is a turkey. Just come out already! Instead of runnin' around the jungle handling Jeff Corwin's "anaconda," get all up in there and admit you're a shirt lifter! Damn!
I still think he's a total silver fox, but I'm grouchy. So there.
"Sorry Seems To Be The Easiest Word."
George gets caught again and apologizes again. For God's Sakes! Rent out Hyde Park and do it in private! Even Elton John, the world's biggest Gay, doesn't get caught! Smarten up already!
"I Am...Gonna Barf."
Finally, we have the "Sashafication" of Beyoncé. Yes, I like that "put a ring on it" shite, and there are actually some okay tracks on her newest CD. I'm just not about to flame out and learn the dance, like so many of The Gays have done.
It's just that I'm so fucking tired of her bullshit.
- Srsly? Sasha Fierce? That's a fucking drag name--and not a good one either!
- Every movie she does involves singing. Not acting.
- The whole not acknowledging Jay-Z has gone from stupid to fucked up. Up until a week ago, she didn't even admit she was married. It took fucking Oprah Winfrey to suss it out of her, and even then she was all, "gurrrrrl, I already said too much!"
- The hair. Wigs, whatever. It's about that shit flying all over the place and whipping it back and forth and having your invisible wind machine with you where ever you go. E-nuff. Snapping your ponytail isn't dancing. And it is tuuuuurrred.
And there you have my Turkey's '08. They won't be as sassy as J*O*E*'s, but then nothing is.