Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Thou Shalt Watch The Food Network


Come, my dear children, and pray at the church of Barefoot Contessa, for we now bestow upon you the Ten Commandments of Ina Garten.

I. Thou shalt only cook with “GOOD PRODUCTS” - good olive oil, good dijon mustard, and good vanilla.

II. Thou shalt always reference “CLASSIC FRENCH TECHNIQUE” whilst folding egg whites or cooking duck.

III. Thou shalt always take photos of your prepared meals, for eventual placement on “THY WEBSITE.”

IV. Thou shalt always refer to Saffron as the “STAMENS OF THE CROCUSES.”

V. Thou shalt honor thy spouse by cooking them chicken every Friday night.

VI. Always remember to ask thyself, “HOW BAD CAN THAT BE?!”

VII. Thou shalt always drive a Mercedes, regardless of income level.

VIII. Thou shalt always speak fondly of The Hamptons, even if thou was carjacked at gunpoint there last summer.

IX. Thou shalt always gently remind others that “THIS IS HOW IT WAS DONE AT BAREFOOT CONTESSA.”

X. Thou shalt keep a minimum of twenty gay male friends at all times.


Come, my dear children, and pray at the church of southern overindulgence, for we now bestow upon you the Ten Commandments of Paula Deen.

I. Thou shalt mention butter at least four times per dish made, even when said dish does not require butter.

II. Thou shalt cackle at least 20 times per show, louder when making a sexual double entendre.

III. Thou shalt mention one’s inarticulate sea captain husband MICHAEL in every episode.

IV. Thou shalt always wear too many bracelets and rings, including the creepy one on the thumb.

V. Thou shalt never remove jewelry even when kneading biscuit dough, as audience may forget one is now rich.

VI. Thou shalt have your offspring BOBBY and JAMIE only call you “mama” when they gravy train on your show.

VII. Thou shalt remind viewers constantly of one’s southern roots by overdoing one’s accent and incorporating “Ya’ll” as often as possible.

VIII. Thou shalt always be proud of the unhealthy qualities of one’s recipes, flaunting heart attacks as if they were trips to Dollywood.

IX. Thou shalt always take over-sized bites of everything cooked, talking with one’s mouth full, and making sure to smear desserts on one’s face.

X. Thou shalt acknowledge one’s dogs when they wander into a shot, but secretly want to know why “the help” lost control of them.

XI. Bonus: Thou shalt act like B-list celebrities on one’s Party show are like the second coming of Jesus. “Hey Ya’ll, look who’s here on Staying Alive night…FRANK STALLONE!!!”

Brought to you by my new favourite site, Food Network Humour!


  1. LMAO! You nailed Paula Deen. I have southern relatives, and they don't say "Y'all" half as much as that cow.

  2. I'd love to be in Ina's Gay Posse!

    Ugh, can't stand Paula, with her phony accent & annoying cackle!

  3. You forgot Paula*s final commandment:

    Thou shalt make certain pants remain cinched tightly at the waist when wearing wireless microphones at public events.

  4. Very funny! I do love Ina though.


you better make this good.


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