Saturday, January 31, 2009

Idle Hands/Devil's Playground


NO ONE could be more bored than I am right now.
There isn't even a movie theater in this godforsaken town!

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Road Trips...


...got me trippin'.

I'm off again. Posts will be light as yours truly takes care of papa.

Check out that 1975 brown realness!

I just realized that's a scary pic. I look like the strange offspring of Mariah!

I See You...

...North Carolina!

Hope you're having a great time!

The Lisp Presents...

Here's something different for me ... I was trying to come up with a soundtrack for the lisp but it was too hard. So, I'm borrowing a page from APJ's book and doing a monthly one! Hope you like! Feedback (not "feedbag") please!


Click the discoball!

Girl, Put Your Records On

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Feedbag


If you've been round to J*O*E*'s newly designed place, you know that he's currently fascinated with Janet Jackson's weight gain and renamed some of Janet's biggest hits.

One of them was "Feedbag" which I was so in love with, I was inspired to rewrite the lyrics. Mean? Maybe, but as a fattie I'm totally within my rights.

"Feedbag"

Light meat, dark meat, gravies and plantain,
I ate them all that's why Dupri out here hatin'
(Cause I'm bofus)

Do I see some cake?
Yeah, that's yummy, yummy, yummy
And is it homemade
Yeah, that's yummy, yummy, yummy
You can cut a slice
Yeah, that's yummy, yummy, yummy
Let me show you how
Yeah, that's yummy, yummy, yummy

So don't skimp on the servings, I'm hungry.
Tonight my body's a big old empty tank and,
Though it's big and fat don't be scared to
feed It I said so
Now let's give some thanks

Feed me like a jaguar blow out my underwire
When you hear my seams rip keep going pile it higher
Fill it up give it to me come on
Fill it up give it to me come on
I need a feedbag, feedbag oh
Feedbag, feedbag oh
Fill it up give it to me come on
Fill it up give it to me come on
I need a feedbag, feedbag oh
Feedbag, feedbag oh

Do I see some pie?
Yeah, that's yummy, yummy, yummy.
Rub it on my thighs.
Yeah, that's yummy, yummy, yummy.
Do you think I'm fat?
Yeah, that's yummy, yummy, yummy.
You gonna eat that?
Yeah, that's yummy, yummy, yummy.

Before we belly up to the table
I need a snack keep it a secret babe
They got pastries and sweets so appealing
Feed my fat face please
Satisfy me babe

Slather it with butter and set the kitchen timer
When you hear the bell ring, you gonna fill my tire.
Fill it up give it to me come on
Fill it up give it to me come on
I need a feedbag, feedbag oh
Feedbag, feedbag oh
Fill it up give it to me come on
Fill it up give it to me come on
I need a feedbag, feedbag oh
Feedbag, feedbag oh

You like it how I work my knife
Got you feeling all sick inside (sick inside)
I gotta body like a hippo's thighs
Make a chef wanna tell lies but I'm so on fire
Never eaten a pelican does it taste like chicken or better than
Cause my gut is serious
Something heavy like gravy, beans and rice.

Todo El Mundo Tiene Que Tomarse Un Respiro

I'm going to say something here that will not win me any points and may even be considered heresy.

I think Ugly Betty needs to take a little break.

**dodges flying shoes**

Hear me out. I've been getting a little barf bag with all the "moral of the story" episodes of late.

"Betty, the truth will set you free."
"Betty, family will always be more important."
"Betty, you have to be beautiful on the inside."

ENOUGH!! I want the bitchy backtalk of Wilhelmina, Mark and Amanda. I want secrets! I want gay references galore!

I'm tired of learning how to be a better person, dubbed words like "fag" and a storyline conveniently wrapped up neatly and sweetly with a big yellow bow after one or two episodes.

I want...JUNGLE RED!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Whitey

So, the teeth look great. I gotta say.

But for the first 48 hours, I have to follow a pretty strict "White Diet." No, that's not a special meal plan for Aryans. White food, drink and such.

Example: here's my lunch. Egg white omelet with white cheddar, cottage cheese and a glass of milk. And all this on a white plate!

Last night was fettuccine alfredo with chicken. I still have another 24 hours to go.

I have never wanted a coffee soooo much!

R.I.P....I Mean It This Time


Back on October 11th, I said that "Shirley Heezgay" was going to Rest In Peace. Yet, I still had links to that old site.

It is with an oddly heavy heart that I can tell you that Shirley Heezgay is truly gone. I deleted the blog early this morning.

While I was quite proud of some of those clever posts, I know that I can be even more clever.

Tuesday's Child

Tanorexia: The Silent Killer

Tanorexia can kill.





Monday, January 26, 2009

新年快樂

Happy Chinese New Year, bitches. Welcome to the Year of the Ox. I myself am a Dog. No, a Dog, not a dawwwwwwg.

Here's a breakdown of the twelve animal signs and their meanings.

Monkey – 1920, 1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004
You are clever, skillful, and flexible. You are also full of activity, energetic, loyal and loads of fun. Remarkably inventive and original, you can solve the most difficult problems with ease. Things tend to work out so well for you that you sometimes look down on others. You are most compatible with the Dragon and Rat.

Rooster – 1921, 1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005
You're a deep thinker, capable, talented and deeply devoted. Your emotions swing from high to low, as does your personality. You put on a brave and adventurous front, but you're actually a shy person at heart. However, you can sometimes be too outspoken. You are most compatible with the Ox, Snake, and Dragon.

Dog – 1922, 1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006
You are trustworthy and a good friend. You have a deep sense of loyalty and are honest. Sometimes you can be stubborn and emotionally distant, but people forgive you because you're such a good leader and person. You are most compatible with the Horse, Tiger, and Rabbit.

Pig – 1923, 1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007
You are strong and reliable. You are extremely loyal and knowledgeable. You try to avoid confrontation as much as possible, which can sometimes make you a pushover. Don't let people take advantage of your generosity. You are most compatible with Rabbits and Sheep.

Rat – 1912, 1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996
You are a charming and sociable person. You're hardworking and can sometimes be too much of a perfectionist. While some may consider you to be too thrifty with money, you think of it as being careful. You have big ambitions and are usually successful. You are most compatible with the Dragon, Monkey and Ox.

Ox – 1913, 1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2008 You are a deep thinking introvert. Your quiet demeanor and patience inspires confidence in people, attracting them to you. You can be stubborn at times, and you hate to be opposed. You are most compatible with the Snake, Rooster and Rat.

Tiger – 1914, 1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998
You are sensitive and well-respected. You are also courageous and powerful, but often find yourself in conflict with authority figures. You're quick to anger and have a hard time making decisions, so beware of acting hastily. Your optimism draws others to you. You are most compatible with the Horse, Dragon and Dog.

Rabbit – 1915, 1927, 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999
You are reserved, tranquil and virtuous. You are admired and trusted by others, and are often lucky in life. You may be overly cautious at times but things often work out for the best. You are most compatible with the Sheep, Pig and Dog.

Dragon – 1916, 1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000
You are energetic and assertive. You are exciting and believed to be among the most eccentric people of the zodiac. You can be stubborn and short-tempered at times, but you are also soft-hearted and sensitive. You are most compatible with Rats, Snakes, Monkeys and Roosters.

Snake – 1917, 1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001
Always calm and collected, you never make a move without considering the consequences. You are self reliant and very intense. You can be vain and selfish at times, but it's probably because your great physical beauty allows it. You are most compatible with an Ox and Rooster.

Horse – 1918, 1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002
You are a free spirit, always cheerful and popular with others. You like to be the centre of attention, but can also be impatient and hot blooded. You are very independent and like doing things for yourself. You are most compatible with Tigers, Dogs and Sheep.

Sheep – 1919, 1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003
You are a passionate and elegant person. You have a maturity beyond your years that sometimes causes you to mother others. You hate confrontation, but can stand your ground when you need to. You are wise and understanding, even if you can be a little timid and pessimistic. You are most compatible with Rabbits, Pigs and Horses.

God Dang!

I laughed so hard at this, I thought I was going to pass out. Srsly. I got all dizzy n' shit. Enjoy.

Gay Check

I'm barely caught up on my reading.
Y'all wrote a helluva lot of posts while I was away.
Still, there's always time for beef.

Meet Kenya.


Nice, right?
Meet him again.

Who's Zoomin' Who?

Today's the day!

In two short hours, I'll be off to get Zoomed. Whitening, that is.

It was one of the silent auction items at Fashion sCares and yours truly won the prize.

Yay me.

Step one of Project Make Over has begun.

When Realities Collide


Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I set up a facebook page and tagged, like, 30 of you. I was reprimanded quickly and that if I'm gonna FB you, it's gotta be a real page. So, fine.

I'll be FB'ing y'all. But not until the morning, 'cause the bitch is beat.

Oh, and quick apologies to Chris at CleverFool who already accepted the friend request. Sorry, hon. I'll do you first thing in the morning.

Hehehehe.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Gold Stars



Count 'em...1-2-3-4-5-6. It has been a six gold star bullshit week. Before I say anything else, I have to thank my sister JJ and Poodle for helping me to keep my sanity.

This past week has been incredibly difficult. I know I've bitched about my father's wife in the past but just like Wynonna said, "It all comes down to love." They loved each other and as difficult as my dad can be, and as much as some of their wedding vows were put to the test, she stood by him and loved his droopy old ass off. And he loved her weird, occasionally eccentric and financially irresponsible ass off.

Bullshit Star #1

They were together for four years, but only married for 15 months. And he is utterly heartbroken. There is no amount of comfort that I can supply that will make that heartbreak go away. There is not one bit of wisdom or Sag philosophizing that will make any part of that seem fair, in any way. For someone with control issues, this was some fucking bullshit!

Bullshit Star #2.

Do you know how many details go into planning and arranging a funeral? TONS. I have only one piece of advice: Do everyone you love a favour and prearrange your details. For yourself and your sexy time partner. Tell your closest family members to make their own arrangements. It. Is. Fucked. Who has the brain power to deal with grief AND arrange to bury someone? Which leads me to...

Bullshit Star #3

It is fucking expensive. Why we don't hear of people secretly getting buried in parks or backyards is beyond me. Visitation. Cemetary. Reverend Honorarium. Luncheon. Casket, vault, flowers, preparation and on and on... And that's not even going "Top of the Line." There was a solid bronze coffin. $7 000. ??? My dad pointed it out and the director explained that it offered excellent quality and protection. I could not be stopped. "Protection from what? She's already dead." I received no answer. Thank God my father is deaf. As for the "vault," I had no idea, but the coffin is laid inside a concrete vault in the ground for added protection. Again, I asked, "Frommmm...?" All I got was "It's a provincial legislation." Unless of course, it's to protect US all from being swarmed by zombies who have managed to dig their way out of the flimsy $3,000 casket they were buried in.

Bullshit Star #4

The family. I tell you...if you want something done, you better get your ass in at the start and have your say. My father chose her burial garments based on an old family tradition. Those who passed in their sleep have always been buried in pyjamas and a robe. It sounds a little weird but there it is. So, since she died in her sleep, he didn't really think of anything else. My sister spoke with my "step" sister and was told, "Whatever your father wants. He is her husband and he should get what he wants." Right? The DAY BEFORE the visitation, her 4,000 year old mother calls me to ask what she's going to be buried in.

Mother: Her wedding dress, I hope.
Shirley: No, not quite so formal. It is evening wear, though.
M: Well?
S: She's going to be buried in her p.j.'s.
M: Oh, Dear.
S: Sorry, but it's kind of a tradition.
M: I guess so. There's all kind of traditions. I once went to a Macedonian funeral and I nearly swallowed my teeth when I saw people putting money in her hands!
S: Neat. I gotta go.

Twenty minutes later, Mother's other daughter calls to say that there's no way my stepmother would ever be seen outside of her home in her pyjamas! We called the home. She was already dressed and highly recommended not to be redressed. JJ called the family back, explained, and was told, "Well, that's completely understandable. Thanks for trying."

Fuck. You. and your...

Bullshit Star #5

Not a single person on her side offered to do/arrange/pay for a thing. Everything was handled by either myself, JJ, Poodle or my father. Even my mother and my stepfather were there since Monday to help clean, shop etc. The only thing we got was..."Thanks for everything." I only wish at that point in the week I had the brain power to ask, "Oh, you're welcome. But what specifically are you most grateful for? Hmmmmmm?" WE did/arranged/paid for everything. SRSLY. The lot of us are out for a ton of money and not one person offered any help.

Bullshit Star #6

And the final Gold Bullshit Star goes to the 4,000 year old "You're-my-'step-grandmother'-which-is-so-made-up-but-I'm-still-going-to-call-you-by-your-first-name-Old-Woman." Push, push, push since the boat that I row. She was just relentless in her old woman ways. The pinnacle for me came at the service. Now, I don't know much about Catholicism except for all the guilt, hypocrisy, pedophilia and Jesus on a cross. However, I did learn that at a Catholic service, if anyone wants to say anything about the dearly departed, it has to be done at the beginning. Not the middle, not the end. And you need to let the priest know so he can arrange it. This woman GETS UP during the PRAYERS and says that she wants to say something about her daughter. Honestly, if cameras were kosher at a funeral I would have snapped a pic of his face. "Now? During the service?" Oh, yes. NOW. She only took about a minute to say what she wanted but clearly this was disrespectful and completely inappropriate. Under other circumstances I occasionally applaud the inappropriate but not this time. Get away from me, old woman.

Big Sigh. I'm home. I'm more clear headed. I've got a ton of shit to do this week before heading back out to the middle of nowhere on Thursday to take my "shift" of Dad Watching.

Thanks again for everyone's well wishes!



Saturday, January 24, 2009

On The Road Again...

Monday seems like forever ago.

All the primary needs have been arranged, paid and executed. The next few weeks, I expect, will drag like these last 5 days have.

In the morning, Poodle and I will head back home so I can fulfill some appointments. I'll probably come back to this barren wasteland (wait, I'll show y'all pictures) sometime next week to make sure that my father isn't alone for too long.

Thank you all for so many kind words, prayers and thoughts.

Be well, and I'll post sometime soon.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Monday, January 19, 2009

FYI Emergency

My dad's wife passed away this morning. WTF! I'll be leaving here in a couple of hours to go with my sister to help take care of things.

I won't be posting this week, save for some prescheduled posts.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

And Your Little Dog, Too ~Or~ Douche Of The Week


It's a no contest this week.

In Pacific, MO, David Ward was arrested for trying to hire a hit man to beat up his own daughter!

Apparently, Papa Ward was peeved that his offspring wouldn't let him see his granddaughter. The reason why? Daddy dearest was charged for assaulting his daughter years ago. Go figure. Hold a grudge much?

So, this donkey gave a hit man, who was actually an undercover cop, a map to her house and photos of her so he could pick her out of a crowd! All of this so Grandpapa could somehow get custody of the child.

Lawd have mercy.

David Ward, YOU are this week's -and one of the biggest ever- Douchebag of the Week!

A Different Kind Of Music

For Sale

Times are tough!





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