Idle Hands/Devil's Playground

NO ONE could be more bored than I am right now.
There isn't even a movie theater in this godforsaken town!

Road Trips...

...got me trippin'.

I'm off again. Posts will be light as yours truly takes care of papa.

Check out that 1975 brown realness!

I just realized that's a scary pic. I look like the strange offspring of Mariah!

I See You...

...North Carolina!

Hope you're having a great time!

The Lisp Presents...

Here's something different for me ... I was trying to come up with a soundtrack for the lisp but it was too hard. So, I'm borrowing a page from APJ's book and doing a monthly one! Hope you like! Feedback (not "feedbag") please!

Click the discoball!

Feedbag

If you've been round to J*O*E*'s newly designed place, you know that he's currently fascinated with Janet Jackson's weight gain and renamed some of Janet's biggest hits.

One of them was "Feedbag" which I was so in love with, I was inspired to rewrite the lyrics. Mean? Maybe, but as a fattie I'm totally within my rights.

"Feedbag"

Light meat, dark meat, gravies and plantain,
I ate them all that's why Dupri out here hatin'
(Cause I'm bofus)

Do I see some cake?
Yeah, that's yummy, yummy, yummy
And is it homemade
Yeah, that's yummy, yummy, yummy
You can cut a slice
Yeah, that's yummy, yummy, yummy
Let me show you how
Yeah, that's yummy, yummy, yummy

So don't skimp on the servings, I'm hungry.
Tonight my body's a big old empty tank and,
Though it's big and fat don't be scared to
feed It I said so
Now let's give some thanks

Feed me like a jaguar blow out my underwire
When you hear my seams rip keep going pile it higher
Fill it up give it to me come on
Fill it up give it to me come on
I need a feedbag, feedbag oh
Feedbag, feedbag oh
Fill it up give it to me come on
Fill it up give it to me come on
I need a feedbag, feedbag oh
Feedbag, feedbag oh

Do I see some pie?
Yeah, that's yummy, yummy, yummy.
Rub it on my thighs.
Yeah, that's yummy, yummy, yummy.
Do you think I'm fat?
Yeah, that's yummy, yummy, yummy.
You gonna eat that?
Yeah, that's yummy, yummy, yummy.

Before we belly up to the table
I need a snack keep it a secret babe
They got pastries and sweets so appealing
Feed my fat face please
Satisfy me babe

Slather it with butter and set the kitchen timer
When you hear the bell ring, you gonna fill my tire.
Fill it up give it to me come on
Fill it up give it to me come on
I need a feedbag, feedbag oh
Feedbag, feedbag oh
Fill it up give it to me come on
Fill it up give it to me come on
I need a feedbag, feedbag oh
Feedbag, feedbag oh

You like it how I work my knife
Got you feeling all sick inside (sick inside)
I gotta body like a hippo's thighs
Make a chef wanna tell lies but I'm so on fire
Never eaten a pelican does it taste like chicken or better than
Cause my gut is serious
Something heavy like gravy, beans and rice.

Todo El Mundo Tiene Que Tomarse Un Respiro

I'm going to say something here that will not win me any points and may even be considered heresy.

I think Ugly Betty needs to take a little break.

**dodges flying shoes**

Hear me out. I've been getting a little barf bag with all the "moral of the story" episodes of late.

"Betty, the truth will set you free."
"Betty, family will always be more important."
"Betty, you have to be beautiful on the inside."

ENOUGH!! I want the bitchy backtalk of Wilhelmina, Mark and Amanda. I want secrets! I want gay references galore!

I'm tired of learning how to be a better person, dubbed words like "fag" and a storyline conveniently wrapped up neatly and sweetly with a big yellow bow after one or two episodes.

I want...JUNGLE RED!

Whitey

So, the teeth look great. I gotta say.

But for the first 48 hours, I have to follow a pretty strict "White Diet." No, that's not a special meal plan for Aryans. White food, drink and such.

Example: here's my lunch. Egg white omelet with white cheddar, cottage cheese and a glass of milk. And all this on a white plate!

Last night was fettuccine alfredo with chicken. I still have another 24 hours to go.

I have never wanted a coffee soooo much!

R.I.P....I Mean It This Time

Back on October 11th, I said that "Shirley Heezgay" was going to Rest In Peace. Yet, I still had links to that old site.

It is with an oddly heavy heart that I can tell you that Shirley Heezgay is truly gone. I deleted the blog early this morning.

While I was quite proud of some of those clever posts, I know that I can be even more clever.

Tuesday's Child

Tanorexia: The Silent Killer

Tanorexia can kill.

(swiped from I Hate Your Fashion)

新年快樂

Happy Chinese New Year, bitches. Welcome to the Year of the Ox. I myself am a Dog. No, a Dog, not a dawwwwwwg.

Here's a breakdown of the twelve animal signs and their meanings.

Monkey – 1920, 1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004
You are clever, skillful, and flexible. You are also full of activity, energetic, loyal and loads of fun. Remarkably inventive and original, you can solve the most difficult problems with ease. Things tend to work out so well for you that you sometimes look down on others. You are most compatible with the Dragon and Rat.

Rooster – 1921, 1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005
You're a deep thinker, capable, talented and deeply devoted. Your emotions swing from high to low, as does your personality. You put on a brave and adventurous front, but you're actually a shy person at heart. However, you can sometimes be too outspoken. You are most compatible with the Ox, Snake, and Dragon.

Dog – 1922, 1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006
You are trustworthy and a good friend. You have a deep sense of loyalty and are honest. Sometimes you can be stubborn and emotionally distant, but people forgive you because you're such a good leader and person. You are most compatible with the Horse, Tiger, and Rabbit.

Pig – 1923, 1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007
You are strong and reliable. You are extremely loyal and knowledgeable. You try to avoid confrontation as much as possible, which can sometimes make you a pushover. Don't let people take advantage of your generosity. You are most compatible with Rabbits and Sheep.

Rat – 1912, 1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996
You are a charming and sociable person. You're hardworking and can sometimes be too much of a perfectionist. While some may consider you to be too thrifty with money, you think of it as being careful. You have big ambitions and are usually successful. You are most compatible with the Dragon, Monkey and Ox.

Ox – 1913, 1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2008 You are a deep thinking introvert. Your quiet demeanor and patience inspires confidence in people, attracting them to you. You can be stubborn at times, and you hate to be opposed. You are most compatible with the Snake, Rooster and Rat.

Tiger – 1914, 1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998
You are sensitive and well-respected. You are also courageous and powerful, but often find yourself in conflict with authority figures. You're quick to anger and have a hard time making decisions, so beware of acting hastily. Your optimism draws others to you. You are most compatible with the Horse, Dragon and Dog.

Rabbit – 1915, 1927, 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999
You are reserved, tranquil and virtuous. You are admired and trusted by others, and are often lucky in life. You may be overly cautious at times but things often work out for the best. You are most compatible with the Sheep, Pig and Dog.

Dragon – 1916, 1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000
You are energetic and assertive. You are exciting and believed to be among the most eccentric people of the zodiac. You can be stubborn and short-tempered at times, but you are also soft-hearted and sensitive. You are most compatible with Rats, Snakes, Monkeys and Roosters.

Snake – 1917, 1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001
Always calm and collected, you never make a move without considering the consequences. You are self reliant and very intense. You can be vain and selfish at times, but it's probably because your great physical beauty allows it. You are most compatible with an Ox and Rooster.

Horse – 1918, 1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002
You are a free spirit, always cheerful and popular with others. You like to be the centre of attention, but can also be impatient and hot blooded. You are very independent and like doing things for yourself. You are most compatible with Tigers, Dogs and Sheep.

Sheep – 1919, 1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003
You are a passionate and elegant person. You have a maturity beyond your years that sometimes causes you to mother others. You hate confrontation, but can stand your ground when you need to. You are wise and understanding, even if you can be a little timid and pessimistic. You are most compatible with Rabbits, Pigs and Horses.

God Dang!

I laughed so hard at this, I thought I was going to pass out. Srsly. I got all dizzy n' shit. Enjoy.

Gay Check

I'm barely caught up on my reading.
Y'all wrote a helluva lot of posts while I was away.
Still, there's always time for beef.

Meet Kenya.

Nice, right?
Meet him again.

Who's Zoomin' Who?

Today's the day!

In two short hours, I'll be off to get Zoomed. Whitening, that is.

It was one of the silent auction items at Fashion sCares and yours truly won the prize.

Yay me.

Step one of Project Make Over has begun.

When Realities Collide

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I set up a facebook page and tagged, like, 30 of you. I was reprimanded quickly and that if I'm gonna FB you, it's gotta be a real page. So, fine.

I'll be FB'ing y'all. But not until the morning, 'cause the bitch is beat.

Oh, and quick apologies to Chris at CleverFool who already accepted the friend request. Sorry, hon. I'll do you first thing in the morning.

Hehehehe.

Gold Stars

Count 'em...1-2-3-4-5-6. It has been a six gold star bullshit week. Before I say anything else, I have to thank my sister JJ and Poodle for helping me to keep my sanity.

This past week has been incredibly difficult. I know I've bitched about my father's wife in the past but just like Wynonna said, "It all comes down to love." They loved each other and as difficult as my dad can be, and as much as some of their wedding vows were put to the test, she stood by him and loved his droopy old ass off. And he loved her weird, occasionally eccentric and financially irresponsible ass off.

Bullshit Star #1

They were together for four years, but only married for 15 months. And he is utterly heartbroken. There is no amount of comfort that I can supply that will make that heartbreak go away. There is not one bit of wisdom or Sag philosophizing that will make any part of that seem fair, in any way. For someone with control issues, this was some fucking bullshit!

Bullshit Star #2.

Do you know how many details go into planning and arranging a funeral? TONS. I have only one piece of advice: Do everyone you love a favour and prearrange your details. For yourself and your sexy time partner. Tell your closest family members to make their own arrangements. It. Is. Fucked. Who has the brain power to deal with grief AND arrange to bury someone? Which leads me to...

Bullshit Star #3

It is fucking expensive. Why we don't hear of people secretly getting buried in parks or backyards is beyond me. Visitation. Cemetary. Reverend Honorarium. Luncheon. Casket, vault, flowers, preparation and on and on... And that's not even going "Top of the Line." There was a solid bronze coffin. $7 000. ??? My dad pointed it out and the director explained that it offered excellent quality and protection. I could not be stopped. "Protection from what? She's already dead." I received no answer. Thank God my father is deaf. As for the "vault," I had no idea, but the coffin is laid inside a concrete vault in the ground for added protection. Again, I asked, "Frommmm...?" All I got was "It's a provincial legislation." Unless of course, it's to protect US all from being swarmed by zombies who have managed to dig their way out of the flimsy $3,000 casket they were buried in.

Bullshit Star #4

The family. I tell you...if you want something done, you better get your ass in at the start and have your say. My father chose her burial garments based on an old family tradition. Those who passed in their sleep have always been buried in pyjamas and a robe. It sounds a little weird but there it is. So, since she died in her sleep, he didn't really think of anything else. My sister spoke with my "step" sister and was told, "Whatever your father wants. He is her husband and he should get what he wants." Right? The DAY BEFORE the visitation, her 4,000 year old mother calls me to ask what she's going to be buried in.

Mother: Her wedding dress, I hope.
Shirley: No, not quite so formal. It is evening wear, though.
M: Well?
S: She's going to be buried in her p.j.'s.
M: Oh, Dear.
S: Sorry, but it's kind of a tradition.
M: I guess so. There's all kind of traditions. I once went to a Macedonian funeral and I nearly swallowed my teeth when I saw people putting money in her hands!
S: Neat. I gotta go.

Twenty minutes later, Mother's other daughter calls to say that there's no way my stepmother would ever be seen outside of her home in her pyjamas! We called the home. She was already dressed and highly recommended not to be redressed. JJ called the family back, explained, and was told, "Well, that's completely understandable. Thanks for trying."

Fuck. You. and your...

Bullshit Star #5

Not a single person on her side offered to do/arrange/pay for a thing. Everything was handled by either myself, JJ, Poodle or my father. Even my mother and my stepfather were there since Monday to help clean, shop etc. The only thing we got was..."Thanks for everything." I only wish at that point in the week I had the brain power to ask, "Oh, you're welcome. But what specifically are you most grateful for? Hmmmmmm?" WE did/arranged/paid for everything. SRSLY. The lot of us are out for a ton of money and not one person offered any help.

Bullshit Star #6

And the final Gold Bullshit Star goes to the 4,000 year old "You're-my-'step-grandmother'-which-is-so-made-up-but-I'm-still-going-to-call-you-by-your-first-name-Old-Woman." Push, push, push since the boat that I row. She was just relentless in her old woman ways. The pinnacle for me came at the service. Now, I don't know much about Catholicism except for all the guilt, hypocrisy, pedophilia and Jesus on a cross. However, I did learn that at a Catholic service, if anyone wants to say anything about the dearly departed, it has to be done at the beginning. Not the middle, not the end. And you need to let the priest know so he can arrange it. This woman GETS UP during the PRAYERS and says that she wants to say something about her daughter. Honestly, if cameras were kosher at a funeral I would have snapped a pic of his face. "Now? During the service?" Oh, yes. NOW. She only took about a minute to say what she wanted but clearly this was disrespectful and completely inappropriate. Under other circumstances I occasionally applaud the inappropriate but not this time. Get away from me, old woman.

Big Sigh. I'm home. I'm more clear headed. I've got a ton of shit to do this week before heading back out to the middle of nowhere on Thursday to take my "shift" of Dad Watching.

Thanks again for everyone's well wishes!

On The Road Again...

Monday seems like forever ago.

All the primary needs have been arranged, paid and executed. The next few weeks, I expect, will drag like these last 5 days have.

In the morning, Poodle and I will head back home so I can fulfill some appointments. I'll probably come back to this barren wasteland (wait, I'll show y'all pictures) sometime next week to make sure that my father isn't alone for too long.

Thank you all for so many kind words, prayers and thoughts.

Be well, and I'll post sometime soon.

President

FYI Emergency

My dad's wife passed away this morning. WTF! I'll be leaving here in a couple of hours to go with my sister to help take care of things.

I won't be posting this week, save for some prescheduled posts.

And Your Little Dog, Too ~Or~ Douche Of The Week

It's a no contest this week.

In Pacific, MO, David Ward was arrested for trying to hire a hit man to beat up his own daughter!

Apparently, Papa Ward was peeved that his offspring wouldn't let him see his granddaughter. The reason why? Daddy dearest was charged for assaulting his daughter years ago. Go figure. Hold a grudge much?

So, this donkey gave a hit man, who was actually an undercover cop, a map to her house and photos of her so he could pick her out of a crowd! All of this so Grandpapa could somehow get custody of the child.

Lawd have mercy.

David Ward, YOU are this week's -and one of the biggest ever- Douchebag of the Week!

A Different Kind Of Music

For Sale

Times are tough!

You Want Vampires, I'll Give You Vampires!

I don't get it.

I don't understand all the Twilight Hype. I get the whole sexy vampire thing. I read the Anne Rice books.

But here's the thing...Robert Pattinson looks emaciated and nasty. He is not sexy! He's not even dirtysexy. He's not even an uglygoodlooking (UGL)! When he cut his hair and everyone was in a huge kerfuffle about it, I was all, "Who gives a flying fuck?" Actually, if anyone can do a flying fuck, can you forward a pic so I know what it is, k thnx.

How, and this is a big one, how can he possibly be out in daylight?

Can anyone explain it to me, or will I have to read the books? And when I say 'explain it to me,' I mean explain it to me in 5 sentences or less.

One Last 2008 Recap

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
I didn't go to a movie theater once all year.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't even remember if I made any last year. I know I didn't make any for this year. It's less pressure.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
I don't think so.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Other than a tiny piece of my soul, no?

5. What places did you visit?
New York, Brooklyn and the Bahamas via the QM2.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Will power. Motivation. A 32 inch waist.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
You want a date? A specific date? God, I can't even remember what day it is right now!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Going back to work after LTD leave, and making it through this year's conference unscathed.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Going back on leave 8 months later.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Yes.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My second iPod. 160GB. Fill 'er up! Oh, and The Big Penis Book. Hehe.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
I'm going to say Keith Olbermann because he got out there and said the words so many people feel, from Bush to McCain to Prop 8.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Anne Coulter, Sarah Palin, PM Stephen Harper, and most of the folks at FOX "news."

14. Where did most of your money go?
I didn't spend a lot of money this year, other than Christmas gifts, so that's hard to say.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Madonna's tour.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Oh, it's gotta be either "Give It 2 Me" or "Black & Gold."

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
a) the same
b) fatter
c) the same

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
I wish I had spent more time maintaining my friendships and salsa dancing.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Hiding out and eating.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Uh-uh...Christmas spent me.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
I never fell out of love.

22. How many one-night stands?
Absolutely none! Poodle hates when I do that!

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Didn't TV suck last year? Meh. Desperate Housewives. Dexter. Dora the Explorer.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Hate? No, no one new.

25. What was the best book you read?
Unbelievably, I only managed to choke down one book last year, and it was Christopher Ciccone's horrible tome. This year's books are already purchased and lined up.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I had quite a few. Black Kids, Beast, CSS, Cut/Copy, Sam Sparro to name a few. Oh and that Cyndi Lauper had it in her all along.

27. What did you want and buy this past year?
A new cell phone.

28. What did you want and not buy this past year?
That damn iMac. To be resolved this week.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Hello? I didn't go to the movies all year. And the ones I rented were C-rap.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
We went to our neighbour's place across the street and celebrated our birthdays together. That's all you get.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Again, rebuilding my important relationships.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Does it fit?

33.What kept you sane?
Celexa, Wellbutrin and Poodle.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
It's hard to say. I guess Eddie Cibrian had some nice exposure this year, but Allesandro Calza is definitely at the top of the Hubba Heap.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
There were so many! Even though I didn't talk that much about it, the passing of Prop 8 and the other measures in this last election was incredibly sad. Here at home, our PM and the other leaders are playing Russian Roulette with the country.

36. Who did you miss?
No one. I wasn't aiming at anybody.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
I haven't got a clue. I didn't meet a lot of new people. I met three different bloggers, all equally fabulous. I guess my IP Therapist.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
HA! That comes from J*O*E*: Take the meds. Srlsy, though...there isn't anything you can't get through...if you take the meds.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?
"Some days I'm a SuperBitch, up to my old tricks but it won't last forever."

40. Favorite accessory of 2008?
All of my shoes because no matter how big I got, they still fit.

Mistake No. 3

Well, the Interwebs are alive and buzzing with the news that Boy George, one of my childhood idols, is going to be going to the slammer for giving a hustler what for denying a human being of their freedom without consent and blahblahblah.

And yet, Team Bush gets off with nothing but a giant pension and not so much as a house arrest.

Say what you will about George, but I will not partake. Recent photos show a puffy, scruffy and bloated Boy and doesn't that just open the door for scores of bitchy comments and rip him to ribbons. I, however, see a man who has probably been crying for days, is probably too depressed to shave, and has been emotion/stress eating. Something I'm sure NONE of us have ever done.

How many times have the icons of our community let us down? Good God, look at Liza! The amount you all forgive that old woman! The least you could do is ease up for one of your own.

Make no mistake, I don't condone his behaviour. I mean, if you're going to strap up a rent boy, for God's sakes, get one that's a professional. Having said that, I believe George when he says that he is now clean and sober. This latest pothole is yet another amendment for him to make.

That's all.

Retroshit

I remember the summer of 1980 and I heard Games Without Frontiers for the first time. My cousins were staying with us that summer and they played it all the time. It used to give me the creeps. Srsly.

Everytime one of them pulled out that record, I'd make myself scarce. Naturally, I recognize the track as a classic track representative of a whole new way of writing and recording music. Creepily.

Games Without Frontiers, Peter Gabriel

Hans plays with Lotte, Lotte plays with Jane
Jane plays with Willi, Willi is happy again
Suki plays with Leo, Sacha plays with Britt
Adolf builts a bonfire, Enrico plays with it

-Whistling tunes we hid in the dunes by the seaside
-Whistling tunes we're kissing baboons in the jungle

It's a knockout
If looks could kill, they probably will
In games without frontiers-war without tears
Games without frontiers-war without tears

Jeux sans frontieres

Andre has a red flag, Chiang Ching's is blue
They all have hills to fly them on except for Lin Tai Yu
Dressing up in costumes, playing silly games
Hiding out in tree-tops shouting out rude names

-Whistling tunes we hide in the dunes by the seaside
-Whistling tunes we piss on the goons in the jungle

It's a knockout
If looks could kill they probably will
In games without frontiers-wars without tears
If looks could kill they probably will
In games without frontiers-war without tears
Games without frontiers-war without tears

Jeux sans frontieres

This Just In!

Trustworthy sources have just confirmed...Rachel Griffiths is indeed P.G.

So, my recommended sentence of having her dress steamed while still wearing it is completely unnecessary.

Still, there's no need for that clump of wrinkles. My clever powers of deduction have concluded that that part of her dress was probably scrunched up near her babygate while she was sitting in the limo. Blurg.

Anyway, this will be her third kid. One of them is named Rose, or Flower or Petal or something but the other is named Banjo. Banjo. Say it out loud. Ban-jo.

Here comes Ukulele.

Gay Check

...Because We Didn't Hear It Enough?

Justin and Leona are teaming up together to record a nice new modern version of "I Will Always Love You."

I predict that Fags of a Certain Age everywhere, will jump into traffic, eat carbs, or stop going to the gym.