Saturday, February 28, 2009

Peace Out

(of EastEnders and Are You Being Served?)
July 20 1943 – February 26 2009

Friday, February 27, 2009

...And One More For The Road

This is going to be the most bare bones post that has ever appeared on the lisp.

I may have a problem.

I go back and forth on this, but I guess if you're worried enough to question it, it's probably an issue.

The thing is, I used to drink WAY more than I do now. About five years ago, I used to have at least 3 Vodka and Cran's a night. Whether I went out or not. I weighed about 155 lbs and I barely ate. The first time I had a glimmer of an issue came one innocent day, during a brutal day at work, when all I could think about was having a drink. When my work day ended, I went to a lounge in the sky and had myself 2 sassy Cosmo's. After that, I was able to proceed with the rest of my day.

There used to be time when drinking a glass of wine in the middle of the week meant a special occasion. Outside of that, getting looped on booze happened on the weekends, and usually only on one night. The rest of the weekend was tea and soda.

In the last several months, my alcohol intake has been questioned. My Poodle, doctors, insurance company and some bloggers have expressed some kind of concern over my boozey beverages. I maintain that I am in complete control. I never drink during the day and I never feel like "I need a drink!"

But when people, even those who you've never met, say that they're worried, maybe it's time to take a wee pause.

Since that day, all those years ago, I have never YEARNED for a drink. I can go days without even thinking about having a cocktail. Sometimes, Poodle and I have some wine with dinner, but a bottle of wine between two people usually equalls about 2 1/2 glasses each.

The problem? I take Wellbutrin, Lorazepam and Celexa. Alcohol affects these drugs, maybe even to the point of reversing their effects. It's hard to say.

Am I just a faggot enjoying a glass a vino, or a sad soul needing to self medicate? I don't know.

If I was someone else and someone asked me if Kevin had a problem, I might say that it's worthwile to keep an eye on me.

I can go days at a time without a thought about having a drink. The problem is, sometimes when I start, I just keep on keepin' on. It's not that I feel that I NEED to keep drinking; I just want to.
If I was asked to do a 12 Step Program, there is no one that I've wronged. I've never hurt anyone; I've never abused a relationship.
I don't know what any of this means. It may mean nothing. It may mean that being on medication, some might consider that I'm "abusing" alcohol. Maybe I am. I don't think so, but...

what if...

If I Told You

is all that you can say.
years gone by and still....
words don't come easily.
like sorry
forgive me.
is all that you can say.
years gone by and still
words don't come easily.
like forgive me,
forgive me
but you can say baby
baby, can i hold you tonight
baby, if i told you the right words
at the right time
you'd be mine
i love you
is all that you can say
years gone by and still
words don't come easily
like i love you
i love you
but you can say baby
baby, can i hold you tonight
baby, if i told you the right words
at the right time,
you'd be mine.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The Word Is Out

Legendary columnist and publicist extraordinaire, Liz Smith, has been dropped from the New York Post, after 33 years.

The newspaper has cited economic issues behind the decision to not renew Liz's $125,000 contract.

I say, expect a book in the coming months, unless some sort of confidentiality clause was part of her package.

I, for one, can't wait to see what happens.


That was building up for a while now!

Monday, February 23, 2009

Do They Know We Can See Them?

Once again, the dreadful choice of watching the Oscars resulted in an exhausting marathon of ridiculous montages, musical numbers and mind numbing awards for categories we don't care about.

I liked the idea of bringing the 5 previous Oscar winners to announce the nominees, but could they get people that actually LIKE the nominees? Shirley MacLaine's accolades for Anne Hathaway were muted, at best.

But, we didn't have to watch the camera zoom in on Jack Nicholson every five fucking minutes, like he's the Don of Hollywood, so that's a nice trade off.

I won't go through everything; if you want to know who won what, go to e!'s website.
But we can talk about:

I'm hoping that this is the moment that does Miley Cyrus in. I think she's an obnoxious hick with entitlement issues and she needs to realize the only thing that she will ever be truly good at is Bingo Caller at Kentucky Bingo Palace.

It looks likes "what were you thinking" exploded all over Sophia Loren. An unbrushed wig, sheer sleeves with sparkles, ruffles GALORE, and boring jewellry. When she was up presenting, I am confident that she was tied 6 ways from Sunday and desperately trying to stay vertical. Hot mess.

I know I shouldn't expect more from Whoopi, but this is pushing it! I sense that she walked into Ross Dress for Less, saw this and said, "That is a 'dress,'" and bought it. I suppose this is better than running shoes and Old Navy mom jeans, You know what? I'll take the jeans.

Pimp Daddy in Versace. Horrible. Horriblehorriblehorrible. Just try to make an effort. People are loving you for your "comeback," but you gotta throw them a fucking bone!

Slumdog Millionaire didn't win EVERYTHING. How does someone so beautiful, take something by Galliano and make it so frumpadelic? This is hideous! She is stunning and she could have totally rocked something really bright, like orange or yellow. Instead of dressing like a million, she opted for slums.

Sometimes, you just have to learn to say "NO" to your mother.

Angelina was pretty but not because of the dress. The dress was a boring old sheet left on the laundry floor. Her face and hair were flawless. And those EMERALDS! They were so big they looked fake! Stunning.

I think the most elegant and beautifully styled was Taraji Henson. Her Cavalli dress was gorgeous, the Fred Leighton 19th century necklace was hypnotizing and the hair was perfect.
By far, the brightest star tonight.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

What A Dump!

Can I just tell you, I've been cleaning up all kinds of music files. They were everywhere. Some tracks had their own file; some listed under "compilation" when I didn't originally file them that way; some are tucked into other artists files; some are duplicate or even triplicate files.

I thought I'd start with my Madonna files. I know, you'd think if anyone was organized properly it would be her, but no. I spent the last 2 hours sorting out those files. I thought I was done and then I found another 11 files. One that has 112 items.

Give me strength. There must be an easier way!

Saturday, February 21, 2009

PSA ~ Play Safe

the lisp wishes you all a great weekend!

A Tisket, A Tasket, What's Up With Your Basket?

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Confessions Of An Anorexic Drama Queen

No, you haven't gone back in time. No, that last photo is not old. Yes, those are horrendous outfits.

La Lohan is back to her old ways which has every tabloid using the word "thin" coupled with one of the following words/phrases: painfully, dangerously, alarmingly, or so-two-years-ago.

I think what's alarming (that's so funny! I almost sound like I care) is that while that collarbone and skeletal frame has been paraded around before, I don't recall her face being quite so gaunt.

What I find so the-record's-stuck, is that when asked about her thin frame, Lindz responded with "I eat. I ate a Big Mac today." Right. Someone should let her know that thinking about eating a Big Mac is not actually eating a Big Mac. And why would she even eat that shite??? It'll just go through her like grass through a goose! She's also been blaming stress and working a lot. Working? When now?

Have another look. Hmmm....maybe she did eat a Big Mac. She totally has that glazed over Fat Trance that skinny people get when they eat anything more than 4 calories.

What's next? Driving drunk around the 90210, and crashing your "assistant's" car? No. Wait. We did that already.

That Shit Is Tight!

And I thought Beyoncé had a tight weave!

Take a look at this bizarre story from Kansas City that is right up J*O*E*'s alley!

Gay Check

This week's Gay Check is going to be a tiny bit different. If you're at work, I suggest you not go any further. I've decided that you have all worked so hard all week and you deserve to get rewarded!

Enjoy this week's Gay Check!


Thursday, February 19, 2009

Greatest Hits ~ Single Homos

This week's Greatest Hits is all about butt sex. With size queens. At the tubs.

the lisp presents...

All the single homos (All the single homos)
All the single homos (All the single homos)
All the single homos (All the single homos)
All the single homos
Now lube your dicks up

Up in the tubs, just felt me up
hopin' you got a big thing
said you'd be right back, now you gonna lack.
Cuz another's gonna fuck with me.
I'm up on him, he up on me
Din't pay me any attention
Cuz you took too long, like, three good songs
Ya can't be mad at me

Cuz if you liked it then you should have put your dick in it
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it
Don't be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it

I got cum on my lips, some lube in my hips
Cuz I'm tighter than Beyoncé's jeans
Get it up, gon' see your club
Are you smaller than what you seem?
Cuz I need a big one, did I mention
Aw, shit! are you even in then?
Well, you had your turn
But when you gon learn
That you really need more to fuck me

Don't show me a little candle wick,
I'm not that kind of trick.
A club is what I prefer.
What I deserve
Is a man that does me and fucks me
And delivers me to an ecstasy, to infinity and beyond
Pull me onto your staff
and just split me in half
If you don't, you'll be alone
And like a whore, I'll be bored

All the single homos (All the single homos)
All the single homos (All the single homos)
All the single homos (All the single homos)
All the single homos
Now lube your dicks up

Cuz if you liked it then you should have put your dick in it
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it
Don't be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it

Bjork Diddy

I found this a couple of days ago, and for the LIFE of me, I can't remember which blog I got it from. If you recognize it, please let me know so I can link you properly!

It's no secret that it was a bad day to be me yesterday, but this GIF provided me some much needed laughter. Enjoy.


Girl, Put Your Records On


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