Thursday, April 30, 2009
The world's media outlets are at it again. Everyone's so freaked out by the "Swine" flu, they don't know what to do with themselves. Obviously they're all bored with stories about global recession, massive layoffs and Britney's cooch.
I saw someone wearing a mask on the street who was so uptight, their fart was a whistle.
So for those folks who are all whipped up about it, I offer these words that I hope will provide comfort, relief and calm:
Just wash your hands already, you filthy beasts. You know how to do that don't you? Cover your fucking mouth when you sneeze or cough you heathens.
There. Flu 90% avoided. "But people are dying!" you say. Did anyone stop to notice that up until now, the deaths have been restricted to Mexico and that might have something to do with their medical system?
Not to suck the wind from their sails, but this pattern of news reporting sounds familiar. Just substitute "flu" with "terror", and "swine" with "Osama."
Speaking of words...everyone needs to lighten the fuck up on what it's called. Swine Flu upsets the pork farmers. Mexican Flu upsets Mexico. North American Influenza upsets the regular Flu. They can call it the R2D2 HQ DVD virus for all I care.
Just turn off your TV and cover your mouth.
Yikes! Oh, pardon us… what we meant to say was “Hmmm.”
A doctor will call this phenomenon “rupture of the tunica albuginea,” or, if he’s feeling informal, “fracture of the penis;” anybody else will call it “broken dick.” It doesn’t happen often, but all it takes is once to spoil a nice evening.
Technically, here’s what happened. The inside of your penis contains three long narrow “bags” filled with spongy tissue. When something very very nice is happening, more blood goes into the penis than can flow out… the muscles at the base of the penis tighten… and the pressure inside the penis goes up. The medical term for this is a “chubby.”
The tough membrane covering these bags of blood-engorged tissue is called the tunica albuginea. Occasionally, too much force in the wrong direction will rupture this membrane, and the blood will escape from the spongy tissue into the rest of your dick—sort of like a pail of water with a hole in it. You’ll probably feel pretty intense pain; you’ll definitely see a big bruise and a bend in your penis; and you’ll most definitely feel absolutely terrified.
This may feel like an emergency, but it really isn’t. Put an icebag on your dick (brrr!)—the usual icebag routine, 20 minutes on, 40 minutes off, repeat as needed. See a doctor the next day. Obviously, if the pain is severe, other symptoms are present, you’re taking anticoagulants (“blood thinners”), or you have other medical problems, get to your doctor or the emergency room right away.Most doctors like to repair the break surgically, but some new evidence suggests that this problem can often heal itself up just fine. Let your doc, and your dick, be your guides.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Introducing....The Cuchini! With Cuchini, camel toe is a thing of the past!
"As the landing strip and Brazilian wax have become prominent in today's world, there is no bush for the cush."
Adam? Bottom two? The only thing right about that is "bottom." That's either America saying, "enough with the screaming already," or just plain old homophobia.
What I really want to talk about is the hellacious performances by the musical guests!! What the--?
Taylor Hicks really is a blip on the Idol map, isn't he? That was a pretty shady season to begin with. That was the year of the Pickler, Bucky Covington, Chicken Little and the bible thumping anti-diva Mandisa. Chris Daughtry was also there that year, but ...meh. It came down to Taylor and Katherine McPhee. To quote Meryl Streep: "These are my choices?"
He really pulled out all the stops with his 4 minutes tonight. Weird dancing, weirder faces, and that fucking harmonica. Soul Patrol? What about the Damned Soul Patrol?
Jamie Foxx. Right. A CD and single that I've never heard of. A movie that I am not going to see with millions of people -- I think calling it The Soloist condemned it right out of the gate. And he used a vocoder. For a second, I thought they brought Kanye back to give it another go. I would rather have seen that.
The really big shock of the night goes to seeing Ms. Natalie Cole. I was about to go off on her for her rant about Amy Winehouse being "rewarded for being an addict" and then showing up tonight looking all Whitney-ed out...but then I remembered that Natalie, bless her heart, was diagnosed with Hep C last summer. I actually really like Natalie, and she did sound nice. Nice in that, I'm an aging crooner so my voice is off a bit, like Tony Bennet or Liza.
But holy moley about Adam!
Sorry. It can't be helped.
To start: Jamie Foxx. Why?
Kris started off the night with The Way You Look Tonight, so that was a bad sign.
Look, I dig Chris like an archaeology mission but he could not have chosen a more rom-com appropriate song.
Oh no wait...he could have sung It Had To Be You.
Verdict: Safe, but not for long.
Allison's dress dragged her out to sing Someone To Watch Over Me, a huge favourite of mine.
I love her gravelly voice against such a soft, tender song, but her ability to be consistent week after week is starting to get a little predictable and kind of dull.
I think Simon might be right; she may not want it enough.
Verdict: Bottom two, but safe.
Matt. My Funny Valentine. Another choice song from this amazing
Unfortunately for Matt, it only got good when he hauled his butt of the stool. How can you sing such a sexytime song like My Funny Valentine while sitting on a stool like you're at a diner!? Answer: you can't.
Verdict: Bottom two, and going home.
Danny Gokey and his version of Come Rain Or Come Shine was definitely a highlight.
He put his blue eyed soul stink all over the end of it and that was pretty risky (IMO), but I think he pulled it off.
Almost awesome, except for the 52 second screech with his tongue hanging out.
Verdict: Horrible styling tonight, but safe.
The whole tongue thing had me take a look back....
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
This time we're in is more than 30 years in the making.