I used to love award shows. I loved the spontaneity. I loved the sometimes inappropriate political messages. I loved the impossible pairings of presenters. I loved the outbursts, the silliness, the pomp...
Last night, the MTV VMA's drove another nail in the coffin Award Show enjoyment. I laughed my ass of when the preshow host promised a futuristic stage--all I saw was a recycled Justin Timberlake set with Deadmau5 spinning in the corner. Here are the only things that I think are worth mentioning:
Eminem and Rihanna kicked everything off with a mediocre, at best, performance.
Eminem's botox and Restylane clearly has worn off and Rihanna looked like she'd been diving around Mr. Dressup's Tickle Trunk.
I remain hopeful that the red monstrosity on her head is only to cover up that chopped up monstrosity she sported during her "Rated R" phase. You know the one...it's the same one that Willow Smith is sporting these days.
Ahh, the Gaga.
Rocking Alexander McQueen and military peeps kicked in the cajonés, Lady Gaga actually cracked a smile and said something of some importance during her acceptance speech(es).
As for the meat dress....well, for a little art history lesson, step on over to The Lisp to get my perspective on her outdated and total ripoff.
There was all this buzzing about Taylor Swift performing a song about Kanye's bullshit behavior last year.
The only shit I heard was her voice. I was so distracted by her warbling, I couldn't make out a single word.
The girl CANNOT sing. PERIOD.
I've seen her now in a few of these and there are some constants:
- pouty, drunk face.
- awkward, drunk stance
- sloppy, drunk makeup
It is essential to mention that she totally rocked a little toothless Amy Winehouse smile before slipping back into her ridiculous pout.
I hate her.
The absolute BEST part of the night (and I mean that!) was Florence + the Machine's performance of Dog Days Are Over.
This is one of those rare moments where a relatively unknown artist punches through the bullshit and gets noticed.
I loved everything; from the Esther Williams choreography to her flowing fairy dress, it was an unpretentious yet kick-ass performance.
In what should have been a tie with Florence for best performance, Robyn got totally robbed by not getting an actual slot on the main stage.
Instead, she's tucked away kicking some serious ass with Dancing On My Own, and and right when she's in middle of being fantastic...commercial. MTV, you suck my ass.
Cher is what, just under 300 years old? And she decides coming out in a "Turn Back Time" inspired outfit is a good idea?
Look, granny...I loves ya...Lourdes knows I do. But at your age, there's a real risk of your floppy netherbits slipping out of the crotch of your jumpsuit and giving us all a reason to gouge our eyes out with our grandmother's knitting needles.
Ugh...the visual of her wrinkled old puss gumming the crotch of her panties is just rude...and now you've got it. You're welcome.
Furthermore...is it just me or did anyone else think of this?
~as seen on~