Sold ~ or ~ You Can't Make A Ho A Housewife

Back in 2006, a little (scripted?) reality show hit the airwaves following the lives of affluent, bourgeois housewives in Orange County.  I wasn't sold.  Seven seasons later, I wouldn't be able to name a single one of them, even if they stood up out of my soup.

Then came the New York franchise in 2008.  I wasn't sold.  A couple of them I might recognize if I saw them lunching at Pastis or The Gramercy, but I'm sure I would just barely care.

Later that year, the Atlanta crew would get in on the deal.  I wasn't sold, but I did window shop.  NeNe Leakes was my favourite; Kim Zolciak held a close second, but only because I was fascinated with her in the same way a tornado, tsunami or a controlled demolition snags my attention.

In 2009, that bastion of good taste, etiquette and intelligence -- New Jersey, fell into the fold.  I wasn't sold.  In fact, anytime I tuned in to watch it, it was always the episode when that squat-foreheaded Teresa Guidice flipped the table at dinner.  Yawn.

In 2010 and 2011, Beverly Hills and Miami, respectively, followed in those Louboutin footsteps.  Next, and next.

This year, the Real Housewives of Vancouver debuted.  I am ticketed, bought, sold, donated and re-purchased!  It only took 6+ years, but the franchise finally won me over, but I'm not exactly sure why.  Is it because they're Canadian?  Is it that I recognize the sights and restaurants and clubs they feature?  Or is it that the housewives are just .... different?

The American cities feature women who are dripping money but they're always screeching at each other.  I've yet to see one of these Real Housewives of America (now that's rich!) display any sense of self-respect, etiquette, restraint or, dare I say the word, class.

Strangely, after my marathon 9 episode afternoon, I've noticed that NONE of these women posses any of these traits, save for Reiko MacKenzie or Mary Something-Or-Other, who I consider the Mistresses of Neutrality and Passive-Aggressive Behaviour, respectively.

Ronnie Seterdahl Negus is a hot car crash mess, unless she's sober, and then she's a devoted mom and determined housewife.  She's a total cougar who seems to have a bit of a drinking problem, she's got a mess of kids, and multiple waterfront properties --that she's tearing down to build one massive 15,000 square foot monster house.  Her best friend and "sister" is Mary, who should probably count Ronnie as a "frenemy."

Christina Kiesel, a self-professed attention whore, is the double-divorcee who loves riding horses, men and mechanical bulls.  She's just turned 30 years old (and I believe that like I believe that Lady Gaga is 25), yet she's already botox-ing and breaking down the door of FagHag Manor (more on him later).  Plus, she's got this very interesting/confusing Katherine Zeta-Jones accent that I just can't place.

Reiko Mackenzie is Switzerland.  I've never seen anyone so neutral.  Other than me, of course.  Unlike me, she is a powerhouse of physical fitness, tall, gorgeous and turned out.  She. Will. Let. You. Have. It.  She has an arsenal of exotic cars (4) that run a combined cost of a cool $1.4 million.  And she's the only RH that looks hot in couture, made-up and coiffed, or in Lululemon plain-faced with a ponytail.  Also unlike me, she doesn't step in when her friends are being attacked and bullied.  For a tough Green Belt, you need to grow a pair!

Mary Zilba is the perceived doormat.  Riddle me this: Is there one in every season?  She's actually very sweet, kind and reminds me A LOT of myself, except not quite so doormat-y.  She's had a few singles in the top 40, and I'm sorry that I haven't a clue who she is/was.  Still, she's got a best friend in Ronnie who loves to break up and make up with her, and when it comes to targets, Mary is the bulls eye to...

Jody Claman.  Ooooh, Jody!  I suppose every drama needs a villainess!  She's a total caricature of all soap opera villains, prime-time or otherwise, AND...she's got a mini-me in Mia, her daughter and business partner.  Mia reminds me of Lady Gaga (must be the blond hair and big nose), except she's got some serious plaque issues.  Back to Jody:  she is just DREADFUL!  You're either with her or against her.  You either owe her an apology or you're finding people that should apologize to her.  She rants about morals and values to Mary, yet she's got three kids from three different fathers.  She wears tiaras to other people's birthdays (Christina), swears that she's not bossy but opinionated (even though she tells everyone to behave and get therapy), and STIRS THE SHIT CAULDRON. And the thing that really, I mean REALLY, gets to me, is that when she confronts someone (my tally is three different Housewives), she leaves her sunglasses on.  COWARD!  "Oh, I just had my eyes done..."  Fuck you, you nasty, old, cow-bully!

More to come....

In the meantime, catch up on the profiles of The Merry Wives of Vancouver HERE!

Oh, and Christina's best friend?  He's Kevin Chase and in actuality has known all the Vancouver Housewives for years.  Anyway, I wouldn't mind him so much if he didn't have a face like he was the receiver of an eternal Dirty Sanchez.

Plus he's kind of annoying.  We'd probably get on like a house on fire.