Saturday, January 12, 2013

Slippin'


Long time readers of The Lisp (♥ you guys!) will know that Depression and Anxiety is something that I've been dealing with for some time.

Heck, this blog was born from my Depression and was the only outlet (other than therapy) that I had to maintain some kind of creative normalcy.

Four years ago, my Depression was so bad, I had to take time off work -- twice.  The last two years have been a journey of recovery.  I deliberately stepped away from my career so that I could focus on getting better.  After a few months, I was getting my motivation back, and I was beginning to dream about a life better than what I had been living.

While it seemed I was getting comfortable with a low paying position and enjoying zero responsibilities, I was actually bathed in fear.  Fear of failing at whatever new endeavour I chose to pursue.  I kept talking of going back to school, and I really was planning to...but that fear...  I  decided that I missed my window and that I needed to get back in the game, even if I was untrained for it.

Late last year, as I was updating my resume and exploring networking sites like Linked In, I started to feel "off."  But, without the pressures of my previous career, this was easy to manage and gave me the "heads up" on things I needed to work on.  Things got better; much better.

Then my birthday came and as it passed, my annual "birthday blues" set in; I ALWAYS get a little blue after my birthday.  I always have done, but it always passes and I get swept up in the whirlwind of the Christmas season. 

Not so this time.

The "blues" are turning out to be stronger than I thought.  The ironic part?  I'm in the process of getting the tattoo that I've been clinging to for the last two years as a reminder of coming through the aforementioned Depression.

Tonight, Poodle asked me if I was alright.  I said I was tired and annoyed by the pain of my healing tattoo, but he knows me better than that.  When I asked why he was asking, he said, "It feels a bit like old times."  Honesty 1, Denial 0.

So, I'm currently trying to work this all out.  I know going back to a therapist isn't "failure," but I just was so committed to the idea of progress and healing and moving on.

It's clear to me now, that this may be something that I have to live with ---- no...manage.  I have to manage it.  So if you have been wondering why I've been going on about shutting down The Lisp, now you know.  What once actually helped me, was (and is) an obligation that I can do without.

Still here....for now.








10 comments:

  1. I think you're right with the idea that you'll have to 'manage' your depression for the rest of your life.

    But at least you have a strong awareness of it which is the most important thing. My soon-to-be-ex wife refuses to acknowledge her lifelong depression or seek treatment for it and her other emotional and mental health issues. It's easier for her to blame me and everyone / everything around her for her mental health issues.

    I wish you all the best!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Therapy isn't failure, therapy is help, and we all need help from time-to-time.

    ReplyDelete
  3. "Therapy" takes many shapes and forms, and if it is any consolation (however small), your self-expression via "The Lisp" is constant source of inspiration and joy to others, including me. It is a shining example of your fair, your instinct and your inherent talent. Hang on in there, baby! Jx

    ReplyDelete
  4. I could have written this post. People just through the word depression around for any time they're not flying high and really don't understand true depression. The best explanation I have come up with is that depression is when nothing matters even the depression, sadness is when everything matters. When you're depressed you try to hide it, you isolate yourself and you (at least I do) get angry with every one you know and stop trusting them.

    Acting the part
    concealment too easy
    doing what's expected
    people are blind
    see what they want
    denial.
    ******************************
    Pain
    loneliness
    anger
    hopelessness
    always.

    Joy
    belonging
    happiness
    hope
    never.

    Compassion
    hides
    masks the monster

    ReplyDelete
  5. Kevin, I've talked about my depression a few times on my blog, but it is something that I have to deal with daily. My blog too was a form of therapy. In a world of stress and darkness, Yummy of the Day remains my pink cupcake of positivity.

    I am a champion of therapy. Therapy is the reason I am here today. I have gone back and forth over the years. It's a comfort knowing that help is always there. You are also lucky to have someone in your life that understands.

    I could go on forever, but I want you to know that your not alone. I wish the best for you.

    XOXO
    MAC

    ReplyDelete
  6. Seems like a lot of us are all in this together and this is also a therapy outlet. Please keep ur blog bc it is a way of support. look at all these people that are managing just as you are. Just trying to get by. It helps to have some community. Anytime you want to talk, please feel free to write us. We are here to help and watch you grow.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm sure you've read about this but thought I'd share it anyway. What he says translates so well. It is a real loss for the world. Thinking of you.

    Aaron Swartz, the master coder who invented RSS, forever changing the way we use the internet, and who took his own life on Friday. Here is a snippet about the 26-year old's struggle with depression: Here is a snippet about the 26-year old's struggle with depression: "Go outside and get some fresh air or cuddle with a loved one and you don’t feel any better, only more upset at being unable to feel the joy that everyone else seems to feel. Everything gets colored by the sadness." When the condition gets worse, he wrote, "you feel as if streaks of pain are running through your head, you thrash your body, you search for some escape but find none. And this is one of the more moderate forms." Aaron Swartz, the master coder who invented RSS, forever changing the way we use the internet, and who took his own life on Friday. Read more: http://www.towleroad.com/#ixzz2HrrrNBj6

    ReplyDelete
  8. thank you to everyone for your support and kind words. i AM so lucky to have such a wonderful man in my life who will stand beside me during these tough times....BUT....it's also so AMAZING that people who are strangers (let's face facts!) are also so supportive.

    thank you again.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Thank you for this honest and courageous post. One of the reasons I read blogs is to learn from others' experiences and points of view. Thank you for sharing this and good luck in managing your challenges.

    ReplyDelete

you better make this good.

LinkWithin

Blog Widget by LinkWithin