Saturday, January 12, 2013
Long time readers of The Lisp (♥ you guys!) will know that Depression and Anxiety is something that I've been dealing with for some time.
Heck, this blog was born from my Depression and was the only outlet (other than therapy) that I had to maintain some kind of creative normalcy.
Four years ago, my Depression was so bad, I had to take time off work -- twice. The last two years have been a journey of recovery. I deliberately stepped away from my career so that I could focus on getting better. After a few months, I was getting my motivation back, and I was beginning to dream about a life better than what I had been living.
While it seemed I was getting comfortable with a low paying position and enjoying zero responsibilities, I was actually bathed in fear. Fear of failing at whatever new endeavour I chose to pursue. I kept talking of going back to school, and I really was planning to...but that fear... I decided that I missed my window and that I needed to get back in the game, even if I was untrained for it.
Late last year, as I was updating my resume and exploring networking sites like Linked In, I started to feel "off." But, without the pressures of my previous career, this was easy to manage and gave me the "heads up" on things I needed to work on. Things got better; much better.
Then my birthday came and as it passed, my annual "birthday blues" set in; I ALWAYS get a little blue after my birthday. I always have done, but it always passes and I get swept up in the whirlwind of the Christmas season.
Not so this time.
The "blues" are turning out to be stronger than I thought. The ironic part? I'm in the process of getting the tattoo that I've been clinging to for the last two years as a reminder of coming through the aforementioned Depression.
Tonight, Poodle asked me if I was alright. I said I was tired and annoyed by the pain of my healing tattoo, but he knows me better than that. When I asked why he was asking, he said, "It feels a bit like old times." Honesty 1, Denial 0.
So, I'm currently trying to work this all out. I know going back to a therapist isn't "failure," but I just was so committed to the idea of progress and healing and moving on.
It's clear to me now, that this may be something that I have to live with ---- no...manage. I have to manage it. So if you have been wondering why I've been going on about shutting down The Lisp, now you know. What once actually helped me, was (and is) an obligation that I can do without.
Still here....for now.